This is who I am now.
This is who I am now.
A while ago, when I was about 45, I impulse bought a caftan. Secretly, I had been eyeing them for sometime. Part of me imagined that I would look glamorous working from home in one. Another part of me worried that it was the first step to Mrs Roper level hag-dome. A caftan meant that I was GIVING UP. Resigning myself to full blown sexless middle age lady insanity.
Yeah, even though I’m “fearless over forty” that doesn’t mean that I’m completely immune to age-related fear mongering. Once you hit 4-zero, you are flooded (and I mean flooded) with scare tactics and misinformation. The google bots will get you for clicking on any age related thing and your instagram ads are a sea of “hot flash relief”.
And for me, someone who consistently has to work to squash somatic anxiety, I start to panic and question my reality: AM I having a hot flash ? I don’t think so… but …maybe there was that ONE time that might have been one or…….wait was that when I had the flu ? I can’t remember. Crap. Memory fog is another symptom of menopause right ? Do I feel warm right now ? Wait. Is the heat on ? Check the radiator. Let me look on WebMD. Why I’m I getting these emails about osteoporosis ? OMG I’m crumbling. I’m falling apart.
It’s hard to remain totally fearless all the time. Mainstream media does not present many role models of happy, fulfilled, sexually active, vibrant older women. The message we get is older + women+sex=GROSS. You can be a cougar until you’re pushing 60- but only if you’re conventionally attractive.
If you aren’t conventionally attractive, you’re trying too hard. Just put your caftan on and forget about sex. If you’re over 60, you can be the punchline of a Grey’s Anatomy episode where the wacky old couple has a sex accident. And one of them codes and dies on the operating table.
I *want* to be fearless about aging but sometimes I catch my reflection in particularly unflattering light. I take in my crows feet and flattening eyebrow, the dark circles under my eyes, and say “fuck THIS”.
So I put my caftan on and guess what ? I felt strangely sexy in it. It’s a beautiful. Silky. Jewel toned. It slides, slightly fetchingly, off my right shoulder. In it, I feel like a glamorous mid 70s wifey having a key party. I feel like a Doll in the Valley of The Dolls.
I’m reasonably confident that when the Fed_Ex guys rings my bell, he’s going to carry the extra heavy package up the stairs for me.
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Love,
Kate
#fearlessoverforty #mentalhealth #selfcare #genx #midlife #womeninmidlife