Gratitude is Punk As F*ck

If you told me when I was 25, that I would have a daily gratitude practice, I would have laughed in your face. Gratitude ?! How fucking cheesy is THAT ?

I am not a naturally happy person. I was a hyper sensitive child, a gloomy goth teenager, and in my early 20’s officially diagnosed with depression. 

I romanticized my sadness. It showed in my clothing, the music listened to, the counterculture I aligned myself with. Morrissey, The Cure, Joy Division, Nirvana, Skinny Puppy……..these are not happy people writing music that makes you feel optimistic. And yet, this is what I listened to. Day in and day out. And I wondered why I felt so sad and hopeless. 

Being unhappy was a core part of my identity. And it showed. I drank too much.  I got in overly dramatic fights. I quipped insults at the men I was involved with, imagining myself as a sort of goth Dorthy Parker. I wondered why they couldn’t love me back. 

I have to admit I was a little in love with my suffering. I thought it made me SMARTER than everybody else. Inwardly I sneered at the happy people. Only stupid people are HAPPY.

I managed to be sad and smug at the same time. 

If you believe in the Law of Attraction, I was a living vision board designed to attract unhappiness. 

And it was successful. I was miserable. 

I had only the most rudimentary idea of gratitude. I figured that’s what Thanksgiving is for. Going around that table, mumbling a half hearted “my health” or “I have a job” before you eat yourself into a coma. Gratitude was something to think about once a year. 

Sometime in my late 30’s, I realized this outlook was not serving me. I looked at my life and realized I had almost none of the things I really wanted. My unhappiness no longer felt like a badge of superior intellect, but rather like a ratty old dress that was too tight in the ass. 

I could no longer move in my misery. 

A combination of things happened. I moved into my own apartment, I started performing, I left a job that I hated and I started actively seeking out happiness. It wasn’t a direct path but little by little over time, I noticed I might feel a teeny bit……better. 

Not always. But sometimes. 

There is a lot to be said for the belief that thoughts create your reality. And there is something to be said for counting your blessings. 

Even when you feel like shit. Especially when you feel like shit. 

I started keeping a journal with a daily gratitude list. Which then evolved into a daily text exchange with a dear friend, which then morphed into a morning voice memo to one friend and an evening voice memo to another. My day is bookended by gratitude.  

When you’ve made unhappiness your identity, choosing something different feels rebellious. I rebelled against my unhappy, pessimistic 25 year old self as a middle aged woman actively seeking happiness via the gratitude route. 

And I decided that gratitude is the most radical and punk rock thing I can do. Gratitude is Punk As Fuck. 

Now that I’m too old for the mosh pit. 

Ready to go deeper? Click to schedule your free 20 minute discovery call.

Love, 
Kate

#fearlessoverforty #mentalhealth #selfcare #genx #midlife #womeninmidlife   #gratitude #gratitudeispunkasfuck